Writers from The Jerusalem Courier were approached early this morning by local women who claim to have seen Jesus of Nazareth walking in a garden. Mary of Magdalene reports to have seen the man, who was crucified Friday, in perfect health and heavenly countenance. She adds that she also found two Roman guards asleep under a nearby outcropping of trees.
“I have no idea what happened,” said Prudentius Verissimus, one of those accused of shirking his duties. “Look, one moment I was watching the big rock, like they told me—and then suddenly I’m on the ground, the rock is way over there, and my commander’s got me by the collar. I’ve got nothing else to say. I was doing my job, man. If my pay gets docked for this, those fanatics are going to hear about it.”
A second guard, Bonitus Narcissus, claimed to know the origin of the mystery. “It was those Jews,” he said. “Those guys who were always with him when he was walking around, multiplying fish and stuff. I don’t know what it is they did. But they weren’t the only ones behind this thing. This goes higher up than that—way higher. I’m talking centurions, prefects, the real deal.”
Pontius Pilate could not be reached for comment.
Among Jesus’s followers, there was not a clear consensus about the day’s events. Several farmers witnessed Simon “Peter” of Syria and John, son of Zebedee, running in the direction of the garden where Jesus was spotted. At press time, John was in the lead.
“It’s not his fault,” said John, panting, of his fellow apostle. “He’s just older.”
The two followers were en route to investigate Mary of Magdalene’s claims.
“I hope it’s true,” he added. “Oh, I hope it’s true. You don’t know how afraid we’ve been.”
He declined further questions due to time constraints.
Another Apostle, who asked to remain anonymous, was unsure about the fantastic nature of the story. “It’s just, when you’ve been through what we’ve been through, you’re not ready to invest in things like this,” he said. “What if you’re just disappointed again? Plus, all these claims put the rest of us out in the open. People are trying to kill us. We should probably just lie low for awhile. I mean, look, if He walked through that door right now and I touched his hand or something? Sure, yeah, obviously. But that hasn’t happened yet.”
Mary of Magdalene, who originated the claims, was undeterred by the commotion from the wider community. “He said my name!” she exclaimed, beaming. “I saw Him—He said my name!”
The latest developments saw disciples already brainstorming a commemorative title for the day.
“Yeaster?” said one. “Cheaster? I don’t know, man, give us some more time.”