by Natalie Yuhas
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34)
For as long as I can remember, the concept of time has made me incredibly uneasy. When I was six, I found myself in a moment of absolute panic because I couldn’t imagine myself ever finding someone I would love enough to spend the rest of my life with. Who could ever be as great as my family to make me want to leave them? Why couldn’t time just stand still? My family was perfect at that moment and I was so happy, but I knew that one day things would inevitably have to change. The thought that one day my brothers and I would all grow up, move out, and have our own lives away from my parents and each other was terrifying. I was six years old and I was worrying about something that wouldn’t happen for another twenty or so years. Six.
Fast forward fourteen years and I still find myself panicking about time. It seems like each year flies by faster than the one before it, and all I want it to do is slow down. How is it already mid-October of my junior year of college? It’s scary to not know what is going to happen in the future and when it is going to happen. I have no idea what I want to do or where I want to be after Boston College, and the looming deadline of graduation gets nearer and nearer everyday. What’s really scary is that there is not much I have control over. I can work hard in school, be proactive about internships and networking, and make and keep good friends, but that’s about it. There is so much out of my control, and things can change in an instant.
Although I’ve always worried about the future, it’s never been as prominent as it has been this year. It seems as if everyone else is starting to really find their place and “grow up,” but I’m stuck not knowing what I want and consequently, feeling like I’m not moving forward. Because of this, I’ve been more homesick than I ever have during my three years at Boston College. I want my mom to be right there to fix my problems and get me out of sticky situations. Instead of listening to Shake It Off for the twentieth time in a row, I just want to listen to my dad play the guitar. More than anything, I just want to be back sitting around the kitchen table with all of my loud, weird family members arguing over whether genetically modified crops are a good thing or not and then playing a game of Sorry! to such extremes that one or more people leave the game in rage or tears. I want to go back where things were comfortable, where I know what to expect. When I’m home, the future seems far away and time seems to stand still.
But the thing about being home is just that: it is comfortable. It’s nice to go home and to spend time with my family, but I can’t waste my limited number of days at Boston College wishing to be where I’m comfortable instead of pushing myself to move forward and figure out who I want to be. In 10 years, I don’t want to look back on college and realize that I spent all my time worrying about where I would be in the future or being overly nostalgic for the good times I’ve had in the past. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). It’s going to take time and effort, but my goal is to be where my feet are and to take each moment for what it is. I’m trying to remember that it’s God’s plan, not mine, and God’s timing, not mine.